Van Helsing (D or 1/4 stars)
'Van Helsing' is an atrocious (in my humble opinion) fantasy adventure directed by Stephen Sommers. Famed monster hunter, Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) travels to Transylvania to try to take down Dracula, his brides, Frankenstein's Monster, & The Wolf Man. Along for the ride is Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), member of a family whose aim is to rid the world of all evildoers. V.H. needs to keep Dracula from bringing his 'undead' children to life. And at the same time, let Anna & her family appropriately enters the Gates of St. Peter. This film offers an incoherent overkill of cheap, videogame styled stupidity.
A secret organization bequeaths Van Helsing the responsibility to put an end to all the worlds evil. All he has to do is find the right combination of creatures to take out: Dracula, Wolf Man, Frankenstein's Monster appears to fit the bill ... utterly ridiculous. To tell you any semblance of plot would be a disservice. Just know that the famed fables of these 3 monsters is laughed-upon because of this movie. Now, the first 15 minutes or so is funny, watchable, and mildly interesting. Then, a silly, poorly written, mal-directed, over-CGI-ed mess unfolds. I had such high hopes for 'Van Helsing' going in. I couldn't imagine a terrible outing. But ...
Fake fangs & fake blood are everywhere. Cliches abound (Dracula's accent, Harpie's hiss, Wolf's growls, Frankenstein's groans); it's almost unintentionally laughable. And I cannot stress how staggeringly poor the CGI is. Every character looks cartoonish. And when they're constantly getting tossed, thrown, hurled, stabbed, & manage to escape any form of injury, you just have to shake your head at the unbelievable absurdity of it all.
Add in some superficial characters, some uninvolving plot twists, & an enormous suspension of disbelief and you've got yourself quite a clunker; oh, and you get to sit through 130 minutes of it! Gosh, this is fun, I can go on forever. Let's see ... it's too loud, too dreary, too shallow. I should scan the dictionary for every possible synonym for the word 'bad'. Whatever, some people may find this hoopla to be colorful, fun, and energetic ... I found it annoyingly frenetic. It goes beyond the whole 'so bad, it's good' staple. Watch it at your own risk. Maybe you'll be bit in the neck by a flying harpy. At least you'll be out of your misery.
A secret organization bequeaths Van Helsing the responsibility to put an end to all the worlds evil. All he has to do is find the right combination of creatures to take out: Dracula, Wolf Man, Frankenstein's Monster appears to fit the bill ... utterly ridiculous. To tell you any semblance of plot would be a disservice. Just know that the famed fables of these 3 monsters is laughed-upon because of this movie. Now, the first 15 minutes or so is funny, watchable, and mildly interesting. Then, a silly, poorly written, mal-directed, over-CGI-ed mess unfolds. I had such high hopes for 'Van Helsing' going in. I couldn't imagine a terrible outing. But ...
Fake fangs & fake blood are everywhere. Cliches abound (Dracula's accent, Harpie's hiss, Wolf's growls, Frankenstein's groans); it's almost unintentionally laughable. And I cannot stress how staggeringly poor the CGI is. Every character looks cartoonish. And when they're constantly getting tossed, thrown, hurled, stabbed, & manage to escape any form of injury, you just have to shake your head at the unbelievable absurdity of it all.
Add in some superficial characters, some uninvolving plot twists, & an enormous suspension of disbelief and you've got yourself quite a clunker; oh, and you get to sit through 130 minutes of it! Gosh, this is fun, I can go on forever. Let's see ... it's too loud, too dreary, too shallow. I should scan the dictionary for every possible synonym for the word 'bad'. Whatever, some people may find this hoopla to be colorful, fun, and energetic ... I found it annoyingly frenetic. It goes beyond the whole 'so bad, it's good' staple. Watch it at your own risk. Maybe you'll be bit in the neck by a flying harpy. At least you'll be out of your misery.