Conan the Barbarian (D+ or 1.5/4 stars)
Truth be told, though I loved 1984's Conan the Destroyer, I was never a wild fan for the franchises' original film, 1982's Conan the Barbarian. Now, there's a re-make (of sorts) of said '82 version, directed by Marcus Nispel. And aside from an engaging opening 20 min., the film really conks out; and I actually couldn't wait for it to be over (to bolt from my theater seat). The film begins in wintery Cimmeria, where young Conan (Leo Howard) is learning to use/understand the way of the sword by his dad, Corin (Ron Perlman, already in a bleak medieval flick from earlier this year, Season of the Witch). Conan's lessons are cut short by the surprise arrival of the warlord, Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang, villain in Avatar) & his band of warriors. They are searching for the missing piece of an artifact (crown). It's hidden somewhere in the village and, once they locate it, they slaughter everyone (including Conan's father, while he watches on).
Action fast-forwards about 15 yrs. where Conan has survived as a thief, pirate & warrior. And he sets out on a quest to seek revenge for his father. Khalar Zym & his witch daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan), are now seeking a 'pure blood' woman named Tamara (Rachel Nichols) whose sacrifice, used in conjunction with the crown artifact, will resurrect a dead sorceress & give Khalar Zym ultimate power (think Imhotep in The Mummy). Big, strong Conan (Hawaiian, Jason Momoa) is hunting them for his vengeance. Various battles do not go in Conan's favor. But along the way, he wins-over Tamara; giving him extra incentive to save her & avenge his father. Gruesome & ostentatious action set pieces ensue ... but without much interest.
Vast landscapes, enormous palaces, sword & sorcery, gory battles, savagery, a damsel in distress, eroticism, hulking rivals, horrific sea monsters, impossible odds ... yadayada. When done well, I would normally LOVE a film like this. But I'm afraid that this film bit the dust, so to speak. 'Conan ...' isn't the worst film I've seen this year, but generic characters, iffy CGI & nonsensical plotting saddened me. Those first 20 min. (basically the set-up) intrigued me. I felt like the movie had 'potential'. I liked the world of Hyboria; as there is real detail that went into the realm. Some of the action sequences (like an extended one or horseback in the forest) are extremely well choreographed. I enjoyed the gore (faithful to the source material). I enjoyed the R-rated nudity on display. And unlike the original film, there are no camels, & none get punched -- HATED that in the 1st film.
But as mentioned above, after 20 min. mark, everything descends into 'no one cares' characters, shoddy acting, confusing mythology, indecipherable names/places, & a feeling of "ok, can't they just end this already!!". There was just nothing to latch onto. No emotion. No wows. No passion. Though I didn't love the 1982 version, it had a personality. There was flare (amid the medieval Sturm und Drang). And it played with guttural emotions. Here, we've got mediocre acting & a paint-by-the-numbers script that does nothing to engage us. James Momoa looks like a Conan, here. But I found him crabby (though, I did like the younger portrayal). Rachel Nichols is cute, but doesn't register as Tamara. Rose McGowan has some fun with the supernatural stuff; as a Freddy Kreuger-like sorceress. But overall, aside from some small pleasures, 'CtB' is a noisy, cheesy, inept movie.
Action fast-forwards about 15 yrs. where Conan has survived as a thief, pirate & warrior. And he sets out on a quest to seek revenge for his father. Khalar Zym & his witch daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan), are now seeking a 'pure blood' woman named Tamara (Rachel Nichols) whose sacrifice, used in conjunction with the crown artifact, will resurrect a dead sorceress & give Khalar Zym ultimate power (think Imhotep in The Mummy). Big, strong Conan (Hawaiian, Jason Momoa) is hunting them for his vengeance. Various battles do not go in Conan's favor. But along the way, he wins-over Tamara; giving him extra incentive to save her & avenge his father. Gruesome & ostentatious action set pieces ensue ... but without much interest.
Vast landscapes, enormous palaces, sword & sorcery, gory battles, savagery, a damsel in distress, eroticism, hulking rivals, horrific sea monsters, impossible odds ... yadayada. When done well, I would normally LOVE a film like this. But I'm afraid that this film bit the dust, so to speak. 'Conan ...' isn't the worst film I've seen this year, but generic characters, iffy CGI & nonsensical plotting saddened me. Those first 20 min. (basically the set-up) intrigued me. I felt like the movie had 'potential'. I liked the world of Hyboria; as there is real detail that went into the realm. Some of the action sequences (like an extended one or horseback in the forest) are extremely well choreographed. I enjoyed the gore (faithful to the source material). I enjoyed the R-rated nudity on display. And unlike the original film, there are no camels, & none get punched -- HATED that in the 1st film.
But as mentioned above, after 20 min. mark, everything descends into 'no one cares' characters, shoddy acting, confusing mythology, indecipherable names/places, & a feeling of "ok, can't they just end this already!!". There was just nothing to latch onto. No emotion. No wows. No passion. Though I didn't love the 1982 version, it had a personality. There was flare (amid the medieval Sturm und Drang). And it played with guttural emotions. Here, we've got mediocre acting & a paint-by-the-numbers script that does nothing to engage us. James Momoa looks like a Conan, here. But I found him crabby (though, I did like the younger portrayal). Rachel Nichols is cute, but doesn't register as Tamara. Rose McGowan has some fun with the supernatural stuff; as a Freddy Kreuger-like sorceress. But overall, aside from some small pleasures, 'CtB' is a noisy, cheesy, inept movie.