Piranha 3D (C or 2/4 stars)
'Piranha 3D' (directed by Alexandre Aja). That's right ... Piranha. That's all you need to know to see if this movie is right for you {haha}. The setting: Lake Victoria, Arizona. The time: Spring Break. The characters: tens of thousands of half-naked young people; just DYING to take off their clothes, party, have sex and ... well, get eaten alive by piranhas. Lake Victoria seems to be the perfect spot for 'Wild Wild Girls' videographer Derek (Jerry O'Connell) to shoot his latest exploitation flick. He enlists local 'sand rat' Jake (Steven R. McQueen) to guide him in his boat-full-of-babes (including Riley Steele, Kelly Brook); and Jake's former high school girlfriend (Jessica Szohr) comes along for the ride. Jake is in charge of his 2 younger siblings ...
All he has to do is make them stay home so he can go on the boat excursion. Fat chance; especially since they have a canoe to escape the premises. Good thing mom, the town sheriff (Elisabeth Shue), isn't hip to that info just yet. But she definitely knows something is up; as a minor earthquake kicked open a crack at the bottom of Lake Victoria (yeah, right). And the tremors is what sets megaschools of extinct (or so they thought), razor-toothed, man-eating piranhas loose in the normally placid waters. She & her deputy (Ving Rhames) want to close the lake (like any sane person would). But the tens of thousands of Spring Breakers would have to comply -- not likely to happen. Much bloodshed & dismemberments ensue. Yay.
'Piranha 3D' may be a re-make (from several predecessors), but it still is a hoot! It's gross, sick, twisted … it just isn't scary. The female nudity is aplenty (lots of boobs & naked silhouettes). The story is absolutely ridiculous. The acting is atrocious. The special effects are truly, TRULY awful. And with all that said ... I kinda ENJOYED it, haha. I guess I'm only giving this film a C (almost C+) because ... I wish it were more bonkers, yet. The proverbial sh*t hits the fan in the movie's final 30 min. (the entire lake turns red as piranhas start chomping away). The 30 min. finale is glorious. But so much of the 45 min. set-up (before the finale) is boring. We don't care about the characters, story, or well-timed boo's ... we want mayhem; and plenty of it.
I guess I can't either slam the movie for being bad OR exalt it for being a camp classic because the "so bad it's good" quotient isn't as powerful as it could have been. It's a good film to watch with fellow viewers who like sex, flesh, and/or gore. It's a good popcorn movie. But the laughs aren't hard enough & the gore isn't realistic enough. i.e., Jerry O'Connell's character practically gets his entire lower body chewed off, and yet, he lives on for minutes & minutes. That's funny on paper, but not onscreen. See what I mean? There isn't a good balance of humor and/or gore. Go for big laughs, or don't go for them, at all. Go for insane scares & realistic blood/guts or don't go for it, at all. This movie couldn't decide which route to go "all out for" and so, it slightly missed the boat on both accounts.
All he has to do is make them stay home so he can go on the boat excursion. Fat chance; especially since they have a canoe to escape the premises. Good thing mom, the town sheriff (Elisabeth Shue), isn't hip to that info just yet. But she definitely knows something is up; as a minor earthquake kicked open a crack at the bottom of Lake Victoria (yeah, right). And the tremors is what sets megaschools of extinct (or so they thought), razor-toothed, man-eating piranhas loose in the normally placid waters. She & her deputy (Ving Rhames) want to close the lake (like any sane person would). But the tens of thousands of Spring Breakers would have to comply -- not likely to happen. Much bloodshed & dismemberments ensue. Yay.
'Piranha 3D' may be a re-make (from several predecessors), but it still is a hoot! It's gross, sick, twisted … it just isn't scary. The female nudity is aplenty (lots of boobs & naked silhouettes). The story is absolutely ridiculous. The acting is atrocious. The special effects are truly, TRULY awful. And with all that said ... I kinda ENJOYED it, haha. I guess I'm only giving this film a C (almost C+) because ... I wish it were more bonkers, yet. The proverbial sh*t hits the fan in the movie's final 30 min. (the entire lake turns red as piranhas start chomping away). The 30 min. finale is glorious. But so much of the 45 min. set-up (before the finale) is boring. We don't care about the characters, story, or well-timed boo's ... we want mayhem; and plenty of it.
I guess I can't either slam the movie for being bad OR exalt it for being a camp classic because the "so bad it's good" quotient isn't as powerful as it could have been. It's a good film to watch with fellow viewers who like sex, flesh, and/or gore. It's a good popcorn movie. But the laughs aren't hard enough & the gore isn't realistic enough. i.e., Jerry O'Connell's character practically gets his entire lower body chewed off, and yet, he lives on for minutes & minutes. That's funny on paper, but not onscreen. See what I mean? There isn't a good balance of humor and/or gore. Go for big laughs, or don't go for them, at all. Go for insane scares & realistic blood/guts or don't go for it, at all. This movie couldn't decide which route to go "all out for" and so, it slightly missed the boat on both accounts.