The Last Witch Hunter (D or 1/4 stars)
'The Last Witch Hunter' (directed by Breck Eisner, Sahara) is so bad that - despite it being almost Halloween - this film would be a better for as a January/February release ... where most straight-to-video disasters go to die. The film starts out 'decently' with a visually arresting, if simultaneously incoherent scene in which a plethora of warriors enter the lair of the evil Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht). Their goal? To end to her evil reign for good. However, only one knight makes it out unscathed, our professional witch hunter 'hero', Kaulder (Vin Diesel). Just as slays the Witch Queen, however, she bestows upon him the curse of immortality; which means he'd be forever separated from his wife & daughter in the afterlife. The next time we meet Kaulder, we see him wandering around the 21st century world; doing what he's been doing for the past 800 yrs. ... hunting down & extinguishing rogue witches (all the while, lamenting his fate as an immortal).
His sidekick, Dolan the 36th (Michael Caine, what are you DOING in this?), is getting ready for retirement. And so, he introduces Kaulder to his replacement, Dolan the 37th (Elijah Wood, yep, there he is), then dies {too bad, so sad}. Kaulder, thinking it highly unlikely that his old friend would retire-&-die on the same day, investigates & finds a dark conspiracy created by a coven that is hell bent on resurrecting the evil Witch Queen, who wants to unleash the Black Death upon the world. With some help from an attractive 'good' witch, "dream walker" Chloe (Rose Leslie, from Game of Thrones). Everything culminates in a sloppy, overblown, hard-to-tell-what's-going-on battle sequence that will determine the fate of the human race and set-up the potential for a sequel(s) ... yuck.
I don't even know where to begin with this. Simply put, this is a BAD movie; not the worst movie ever, but BAD -- disappointingly bad. I love witches, always have. If there's a movie about a witch, I'm there -- I love witch folklore. So the fact that this 'witch' movie is SO bad, is what makes it all the more disappointing. 'TLWH' contains half-baked/cardboard characters wandering through a ludicrous (and boring) plot, all done with ugly, synthetic-looking CGI clogging up every inch of the screen. Vin Diesel is the stereotypical 'good guy'; lending his usual cocky, self-sufficient, subwoofer-voiced hero figure {think Fast & the Furious alllll over again}. With exception of Numero Uno Witch, the rest of 'em are just stereotypical witches; none of them particularly scary.
All of the other actors/characters blend into the background. That includes Elijah Wood, who is SO forgettable, here. What happened to the charismatic hero, Frodo Baggins?!? The dialogue is often painfully awkward and/or flat. To call the middle act sluggish would be an insult to slugs. The proceedings are almost completely humorless. There is an inherent lack of 'entertainment' in this entertainment. And the final plot twist (while somewhat intriguing in concept) is maddeningly horrible in execution. Even at 106 minutes (not long, really), this film felt interminable while watching it. I don't even think Vin Diesel/action-fantasy fans will be charmed by this. Better luck next time, Breck Eisner. And Vin Diesel. And Elijah. And ... oh, you get the point. Dark, grim, plodding, & visually anemic ... this movie stinks.
His sidekick, Dolan the 36th (Michael Caine, what are you DOING in this?), is getting ready for retirement. And so, he introduces Kaulder to his replacement, Dolan the 37th (Elijah Wood, yep, there he is), then dies {too bad, so sad}. Kaulder, thinking it highly unlikely that his old friend would retire-&-die on the same day, investigates & finds a dark conspiracy created by a coven that is hell bent on resurrecting the evil Witch Queen, who wants to unleash the Black Death upon the world. With some help from an attractive 'good' witch, "dream walker" Chloe (Rose Leslie, from Game of Thrones). Everything culminates in a sloppy, overblown, hard-to-tell-what's-going-on battle sequence that will determine the fate of the human race and set-up the potential for a sequel(s) ... yuck.
I don't even know where to begin with this. Simply put, this is a BAD movie; not the worst movie ever, but BAD -- disappointingly bad. I love witches, always have. If there's a movie about a witch, I'm there -- I love witch folklore. So the fact that this 'witch' movie is SO bad, is what makes it all the more disappointing. 'TLWH' contains half-baked/cardboard characters wandering through a ludicrous (and boring) plot, all done with ugly, synthetic-looking CGI clogging up every inch of the screen. Vin Diesel is the stereotypical 'good guy'; lending his usual cocky, self-sufficient, subwoofer-voiced hero figure {think Fast & the Furious alllll over again}. With exception of Numero Uno Witch, the rest of 'em are just stereotypical witches; none of them particularly scary.
All of the other actors/characters blend into the background. That includes Elijah Wood, who is SO forgettable, here. What happened to the charismatic hero, Frodo Baggins?!? The dialogue is often painfully awkward and/or flat. To call the middle act sluggish would be an insult to slugs. The proceedings are almost completely humorless. There is an inherent lack of 'entertainment' in this entertainment. And the final plot twist (while somewhat intriguing in concept) is maddeningly horrible in execution. Even at 106 minutes (not long, really), this film felt interminable while watching it. I don't even think Vin Diesel/action-fantasy fans will be charmed by this. Better luck next time, Breck Eisner. And Vin Diesel. And Elijah. And ... oh, you get the point. Dark, grim, plodding, & visually anemic ... this movie stinks.