G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (D or 1/4 stars)
My eyes hurt. They hurt from being bludgeoned by an onslaught of dissonant shapes, sizes, colors, & poorly executed special effect-driven hooey. 'G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra', directed by Stephen Sommers, is one of the most brainless, furious, boring pieces of schlocky blockbuster entertainment that I've seen since, well, probably Van Helsing - another film from Sommers. The so-called "story" is ridiculous. I disliked the characters. The climax wore me out, & not in a good way. I hated the "ending" - left open-ended for a possible sequel (God, I hope that doesn't occur). The writing is non-existent. The dialogue - awful. The acting - Ha! There's none of it. The editing is chaotic. The production designs look cheap. The aforementioned special effects are HORRIBLE. The score - overbearing. People talk about Transformers 2 being too long, loud, & bombastic ... well, that film (hit & miss as it is) was wayyy more entertaining that this crap.
Before I even try to explain the "story", this must be said, these Hasbro productions (like 'Transformers') - where toys are spawning movies about them - they need to stop. Now. No one cares. Moving on. "Story": apparently, G.I. Joes is an organization in this film, not a person (I wouldn't have known this anyway as I never played with Hasbro toys. I was content to draw, play in the dirt, play with toy boats, sharks, blocks, & other such nonsense). G.I. Joe's members gain superpowers through advanced technology & intense training rather than God-given ability (differing from, say, the X-Men). This would have been interesting if the movie gave us any time to properly introduce us to the members or show us how it is that they can actually DO all this elite military-esque stuff.
The 'bad' guys are an organization called MARS; an evil group that develops weapons & distributes them; led by a notorious (& mysterious) arms dealer named McCullen (a fun Christopher Eccleston); who is part of a long line (going back to the yr. 1641) of megalomaniac arms dealers. MARS has come up with Nanomite, a computerized insect that devours anything in sight. A pair of special ops named Duke & Ripcord (Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans) are hired by NATO to transport Nanomite warheads, but are ambushed by another elite force with stronger capabilities. The warheads are about to be taken when (dun, dun, dun, daa!), G.I. Joe pops up. They include General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), the no-nonsense tough guy who leads this unit, Scarlett (Rachell Nichols), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, of Lost), & Snake Eyes (Ray Park).
From their base (located under the Egyptian desert) they recruit Duke & Ripcord to join their squad because of their knowledge of the female leader of the force trying to steal the warheads, Ana (Sienna Miller). How do they know her? Well, it seems that 4 yrs. ago, Duke & Ana were engaged to be married! From his secret base (which lies underneath the Arctic, of course), McCullen (nothing like having the most absurd, over-the-top, worldwide dictatorial super villain on hand) wants to use the warheads & nanomites to force the world into global catastrophe ... of course. From this point on, mayhem ensues; with the G.I. Joes frantically using new spy & military equipment to stop McCullen, Cobra, Ana, & all other forms of evil from going through with their diabolical plans.
Not like I care, because so little makes sense, but this film had some degree of potential going in. The 'premise' sounded interesting (though nothing great comes from it). The cast held promise (including Jonathan Pryce, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Arnold Vosloo & Brendan Fraser). But almost everything was wasted on an abysmal, incoherent plot (which left loose ends everywhere), & wall-to-wall, mind-numbing action. The underwater climax made me feel water-logged. The characters stunk. Duke is a dullard (no thanks to Channing Tatum's wooden performance). Marlon Wayans' Ripcord failed to make me laugh. Sienna Miller's delivery of dialogue is atrocious ... especially in the middle of chaotic, deadly battle sequences. She also has no chemistry with Tatum. And I couldn't have cared less about their back story, or anyone personally. There was no one to be invested in. No one is developed.
The direction is too slick & glossy for my liking. No grittiness. The editing (aside from one really cool sequence in Paris) is poor. EVERYTHING is far-fetched (even for a fantasy/action flick). A fantasy/action blockbuster like Star Trek was fantastic in almost every aspect: direction, story, performances, excitement, special effects, music, & action (including the far-fetched-ness). THIS film is a pale shadow - across the board - to films as such. My eyes (along with ears & brain) were assaulted; hurting from all the high-tech wizardry, endless chases, unhinged movements, explosions, & other such nuisances. I suppose some people may dig 'G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra' (I hoped for the best, & feared the worst going into it). And the lack of a conclusive ending is almost more horrific (to me) than the entirety of the 110 minutes that preceded it. Please, for the love of God, no sequel.
Before I even try to explain the "story", this must be said, these Hasbro productions (like 'Transformers') - where toys are spawning movies about them - they need to stop. Now. No one cares. Moving on. "Story": apparently, G.I. Joes is an organization in this film, not a person (I wouldn't have known this anyway as I never played with Hasbro toys. I was content to draw, play in the dirt, play with toy boats, sharks, blocks, & other such nonsense). G.I. Joe's members gain superpowers through advanced technology & intense training rather than God-given ability (differing from, say, the X-Men). This would have been interesting if the movie gave us any time to properly introduce us to the members or show us how it is that they can actually DO all this elite military-esque stuff.
The 'bad' guys are an organization called MARS; an evil group that develops weapons & distributes them; led by a notorious (& mysterious) arms dealer named McCullen (a fun Christopher Eccleston); who is part of a long line (going back to the yr. 1641) of megalomaniac arms dealers. MARS has come up with Nanomite, a computerized insect that devours anything in sight. A pair of special ops named Duke & Ripcord (Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans) are hired by NATO to transport Nanomite warheads, but are ambushed by another elite force with stronger capabilities. The warheads are about to be taken when (dun, dun, dun, daa!), G.I. Joe pops up. They include General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), the no-nonsense tough guy who leads this unit, Scarlett (Rachell Nichols), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, of Lost), & Snake Eyes (Ray Park).
From their base (located under the Egyptian desert) they recruit Duke & Ripcord to join their squad because of their knowledge of the female leader of the force trying to steal the warheads, Ana (Sienna Miller). How do they know her? Well, it seems that 4 yrs. ago, Duke & Ana were engaged to be married! From his secret base (which lies underneath the Arctic, of course), McCullen (nothing like having the most absurd, over-the-top, worldwide dictatorial super villain on hand) wants to use the warheads & nanomites to force the world into global catastrophe ... of course. From this point on, mayhem ensues; with the G.I. Joes frantically using new spy & military equipment to stop McCullen, Cobra, Ana, & all other forms of evil from going through with their diabolical plans.
Not like I care, because so little makes sense, but this film had some degree of potential going in. The 'premise' sounded interesting (though nothing great comes from it). The cast held promise (including Jonathan Pryce, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Arnold Vosloo & Brendan Fraser). But almost everything was wasted on an abysmal, incoherent plot (which left loose ends everywhere), & wall-to-wall, mind-numbing action. The underwater climax made me feel water-logged. The characters stunk. Duke is a dullard (no thanks to Channing Tatum's wooden performance). Marlon Wayans' Ripcord failed to make me laugh. Sienna Miller's delivery of dialogue is atrocious ... especially in the middle of chaotic, deadly battle sequences. She also has no chemistry with Tatum. And I couldn't have cared less about their back story, or anyone personally. There was no one to be invested in. No one is developed.
The direction is too slick & glossy for my liking. No grittiness. The editing (aside from one really cool sequence in Paris) is poor. EVERYTHING is far-fetched (even for a fantasy/action flick). A fantasy/action blockbuster like Star Trek was fantastic in almost every aspect: direction, story, performances, excitement, special effects, music, & action (including the far-fetched-ness). THIS film is a pale shadow - across the board - to films as such. My eyes (along with ears & brain) were assaulted; hurting from all the high-tech wizardry, endless chases, unhinged movements, explosions, & other such nuisances. I suppose some people may dig 'G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra' (I hoped for the best, & feared the worst going into it). And the lack of a conclusive ending is almost more horrific (to me) than the entirety of the 110 minutes that preceded it. Please, for the love of God, no sequel.