Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
(C- or 1.5/4 stars)
16 yr. old Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) is your average high schooler. He gets decent grades, & rarely gets into trouble. But all of that changes for him one day when he stumbles upon a freak show, & steals a rare breed of spider (he loves 'em) from the mysterious vampire Larten Crepsley (a stellar John C. Reilly) in 'Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant', directed by Paul Weitz. When the red & black colored spider gives a fatal bite to his best pal, Steve (Josh Hutcherson, of Bridge to Terabithia, Journey to the Center of the Earth), Darren must make a deal with said vampire to save his life. But there's a twist. In exchange for Larten giving Steve the anti-venom, Darren must agree to become an undead 'half-vampire'; functioning as his personal assistant.
By doing this, he would practice newfound powers, & continue his 'life' by habitating with the unusual performers of Larten's Cirque Du Freak show (this includes a snakeboy, a tailgirl, a bearded lady - played by Salma Hayek, a wolf man, & a woman who can re-grow appendages). The negative side to this is that Darren would be considered dead to his friends & family. But every movie needs a conflict. And the one here involves a brewing war btwn. the vampires & their bloodthirsty cousins called the Vampanese. Everything culminates in a fairly anti-climactic climax involving Darren, Steve, & all other characters.
This movie just did not know what to do with itself. It starts off very Spiderman with a character being bitten-by-a-spider plot, Darren's superhero transformation, & spending time fine-tuning his powers. For a vampire movie, there's very little going on that screams 'vampire'. Its thematic exploration of how Darren assimilates into a shunned society of freaks is unconvincing. This movie ends with a big 'well, what happens next?' feel. There is an assumption that a sequel is coming (due to unfinished subplots). However, this movie is bad enough that I don't think that's happenin'. And interestingly enough, director Paul Weitzs' own brother Chris had the same problem with his own movie from 2007, The Golden Compass. I actually sort of dug The Golden Compass. It made $$. But it was not received well enough to warrant a sequel any time soon.
The problem with this movie is - it's simply not very good. The acting is subpar. Chris Massoglia, in particular, is one of the blandest lead male characters I've seen in a while. The characters come & go with very little effect. i.e., Willem Dafoe plays an intriguing character who is in the film for one minute & gone for the duration - repeat & rinse for most other characters for 100 minutes. The writing is sloppy. Vampire Rules have flown out the window like a bat. Here, they don't suck blood (no fangs). Crosses & garlic mean nothing to 'em. They transport quickly, but neither change form, nor fly! 'Full-vampires' still can't stand sunlight, but 'half-vampires' are cool with it (ugh). There are ABSOLUTELY no scares. No gore. Little humor. There are a few cool moments early on, & a creepy spat here & there, but that's all. I was just unsatisfied with this film. The look of it is pretty neat. But there's almost nothing else I can summon to recommend it for.
By doing this, he would practice newfound powers, & continue his 'life' by habitating with the unusual performers of Larten's Cirque Du Freak show (this includes a snakeboy, a tailgirl, a bearded lady - played by Salma Hayek, a wolf man, & a woman who can re-grow appendages). The negative side to this is that Darren would be considered dead to his friends & family. But every movie needs a conflict. And the one here involves a brewing war btwn. the vampires & their bloodthirsty cousins called the Vampanese. Everything culminates in a fairly anti-climactic climax involving Darren, Steve, & all other characters.
This movie just did not know what to do with itself. It starts off very Spiderman with a character being bitten-by-a-spider plot, Darren's superhero transformation, & spending time fine-tuning his powers. For a vampire movie, there's very little going on that screams 'vampire'. Its thematic exploration of how Darren assimilates into a shunned society of freaks is unconvincing. This movie ends with a big 'well, what happens next?' feel. There is an assumption that a sequel is coming (due to unfinished subplots). However, this movie is bad enough that I don't think that's happenin'. And interestingly enough, director Paul Weitzs' own brother Chris had the same problem with his own movie from 2007, The Golden Compass. I actually sort of dug The Golden Compass. It made $$. But it was not received well enough to warrant a sequel any time soon.
The problem with this movie is - it's simply not very good. The acting is subpar. Chris Massoglia, in particular, is one of the blandest lead male characters I've seen in a while. The characters come & go with very little effect. i.e., Willem Dafoe plays an intriguing character who is in the film for one minute & gone for the duration - repeat & rinse for most other characters for 100 minutes. The writing is sloppy. Vampire Rules have flown out the window like a bat. Here, they don't suck blood (no fangs). Crosses & garlic mean nothing to 'em. They transport quickly, but neither change form, nor fly! 'Full-vampires' still can't stand sunlight, but 'half-vampires' are cool with it (ugh). There are ABSOLUTELY no scares. No gore. Little humor. There are a few cool moments early on, & a creepy spat here & there, but that's all. I was just unsatisfied with this film. The look of it is pretty neat. But there's almost nothing else I can summon to recommend it for.