The Expendables (C or 2/4 stars)
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terry Crews, Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts ... see those names!!??! THIS is the cast of 'The Expendables' (directed by Sly Stallone, himself). The Expendables is the name of a group of 6 war-battered mercenaries. Their mastermind is Barney Ross (Stallone). His right-hand man is Lee Christmas (Statham), a blade expert who loves to throw knives. Hand-to-hand combat specialist Ying Yang (Li) thinks he's too short, but knows that no one can match his high kicks! {haha}. Hale Caesar (Crews) is a huge man with huge long barrel weapons. Toll Road (Couture) is a kick-ass demolitions expert, but is also self-conscious about his cauliflower ears. And precision sniper Gunner Jensen (Lundgren) - another enormous man - has an equally enormous temper, a drug problem, & has lost the ability to control himself when enraged.
The Expendables are commissioned by one, Mr. Church (Willis) to travel to Central America & kill merciless dictator, Gen. Garza (David Zayas), & his ex-CIA drug cohort, James Munroe (Roberts). Munroe is hard to find 'cause he's intelligent, ruthless, & protected by - yes - the enormous Paine (Austin). Ultimately, the $5,000,000 fee offered by Mr. Church to nail the job has little to do with why Barney agrees to fight Gen. Garza & Munroe. Instead, Barney is impressed by the dedication shown by Garza's beautiful daughter, Sandra (Giselle Itie), when she puts her life on the line by staying behind for her people rather than escaping his onslaught. Explosions, battles, macho-grandstanding, knives, kicks, punches, guns, death, victory, lame dialogue, & shrug-worthy plot points ensue.
I watched a lot of action films in the 80's & 90's. Many of them were stupid, but unabashedly fun. You'd think that this assemblage of action stars would create movie magic ... think again. I mean, look at them all, look at the testosterone on display, look at the possibilities - but few of them are fulfilled. Ah well, let's see if I can touch upon some positives in the film. Ummm, well, the opening sequence showed early promise. Seeing Stallone & Schwarzenegger together onscreen was pretty cool. Too bad it lasted all of 2 minutes. There are a couple of action set pieces that impressed me/got my blood pumping. But most of the action is poorly edited (where you can't tell AT ALL what is going on - shaky cameras, shots that last 1 second, etc.). I enjoyed Jason Statham; usually do. I liked Bruce Willis' cameo; gotta love his sly line deliveries & all-knowing smirk. And Mickey Rourke has a stretch of dialogue in the middle that struck a chord.
But that's where any praise ends for me, folks. I wanted BIG, dumb, fun. But as mentioned, most of the action was too spastic. The plot: incoherent. The dialogue was witless; no memorable one-liners (that 80's/90's action flicks were known for). 'The Expendables' is just so ordinary. I sat back, watched, tried to let it wash over me. But I was rarely excited, & often bored. The villain, played by Eric Roberts, is just ... there. Nothing foreboding about him. I couldn't tell you any specific plot points because the story is not interesting or memorable. All I see in my head are images (the action star's faces, the girl, cool weapons, an explosion, Jet Li's awesome kill, the island, etc.). Take the energy & mystique of the action stars out of the equation & this would have been a D- or D type of film. There's nothing to hate about that movie; nothing reprehensible. It just played & ended. And I shrug.
The Expendables are commissioned by one, Mr. Church (Willis) to travel to Central America & kill merciless dictator, Gen. Garza (David Zayas), & his ex-CIA drug cohort, James Munroe (Roberts). Munroe is hard to find 'cause he's intelligent, ruthless, & protected by - yes - the enormous Paine (Austin). Ultimately, the $5,000,000 fee offered by Mr. Church to nail the job has little to do with why Barney agrees to fight Gen. Garza & Munroe. Instead, Barney is impressed by the dedication shown by Garza's beautiful daughter, Sandra (Giselle Itie), when she puts her life on the line by staying behind for her people rather than escaping his onslaught. Explosions, battles, macho-grandstanding, knives, kicks, punches, guns, death, victory, lame dialogue, & shrug-worthy plot points ensue.
I watched a lot of action films in the 80's & 90's. Many of them were stupid, but unabashedly fun. You'd think that this assemblage of action stars would create movie magic ... think again. I mean, look at them all, look at the testosterone on display, look at the possibilities - but few of them are fulfilled. Ah well, let's see if I can touch upon some positives in the film. Ummm, well, the opening sequence showed early promise. Seeing Stallone & Schwarzenegger together onscreen was pretty cool. Too bad it lasted all of 2 minutes. There are a couple of action set pieces that impressed me/got my blood pumping. But most of the action is poorly edited (where you can't tell AT ALL what is going on - shaky cameras, shots that last 1 second, etc.). I enjoyed Jason Statham; usually do. I liked Bruce Willis' cameo; gotta love his sly line deliveries & all-knowing smirk. And Mickey Rourke has a stretch of dialogue in the middle that struck a chord.
But that's where any praise ends for me, folks. I wanted BIG, dumb, fun. But as mentioned, most of the action was too spastic. The plot: incoherent. The dialogue was witless; no memorable one-liners (that 80's/90's action flicks were known for). 'The Expendables' is just so ordinary. I sat back, watched, tried to let it wash over me. But I was rarely excited, & often bored. The villain, played by Eric Roberts, is just ... there. Nothing foreboding about him. I couldn't tell you any specific plot points because the story is not interesting or memorable. All I see in my head are images (the action star's faces, the girl, cool weapons, an explosion, Jet Li's awesome kill, the island, etc.). Take the energy & mystique of the action stars out of the equation & this would have been a D- or D type of film. There's nothing to hate about that movie; nothing reprehensible. It just played & ended. And I shrug.