The Spy Next Door (F or 0/4 stars)
Wow. I don't think I've ever given out a Zero rating so early in the year. But to me, 'The Spy Next Door', directed by Brian Levant, fits the bill. Jackie Chan stars as Bob Ho (Jackie Chan), a Chinese spy working with the CIA to stop a Russian terrorist named Poldark (Magnus Scheving). Bob has been posing as an importer, & has been quietly dating his next-door neighbor, Gillian (Amber Valletta), a single mom with 3 incredibly annoying children. When Bob captures Poldark, he retires as a spy; wanting to commit full-time to Gillian; though, her kids don't like him. When Gillian has to suddenly leave town, Bob offers to watch the kids (so as to win their approval), but that proves to be as difficult a task as spying is.
At the same time, with help from the Agency, Poldark manages to escape (oh, no!). Coincidingly, one of Bob's CIA associates, Colton (Billy Ray Cyrus, ugh), asks him to look at something that Poldark had on him that appears encrypted; hoping that he can crack it. Having grown close to Bob in the interim, the 3 kids then break into Poldark's home to see what they can find out about him. And when they mistakenly open a suspicious top-secret file, Poldark tracks 'em down & sends his underlings to 'take care of' Bob. Standard 'spy' plot ensues; followed by a 'aw, everybody lives happily ever after' ending.
I think that some kids, & some adults may break a smile or two during this mindless 85 min. 'comedy'. Audiences love Jackie Chan; as do I. There's a mild, cheery aspect to the proceedings. And a few of the outtakes (while the end credits roll) are silly fun. That said, I strongly disliked this movie. There is literally NOTHING redeeming about it. Poor Jackie Chan is reduced to skulking around, grinning like a fool, & straining for chemistry with both Amber Valletta & the child actors. His legendary martial-arts skills are completely absent. Any jokes are both unimaginative & cartoonish.
The plot is as insipid, & formulaic as anything I've ever seen. The dialogue is an atrocity (why would a 5 yr. old kid know about a historic David Bowie/Iggy Pop concert from 1985? Why?). The production looks dirt cheap. Billy Ray Cyrus & George Lopez irk me to no end. And worst of all, the character of Gillian's oldest daughter is the most aggravating teen girl I've ever seen on screen. I don't blame Madeline Carroll (who had to act & say what she does). But I literally wanted to belt her one - for the way she spoke to her mother (Valletta). No child acts like that to their mom, & no mom reacts the way she does. Rrggggh.
'The Spy Next Door' is immediately forgettable trash.
At the same time, with help from the Agency, Poldark manages to escape (oh, no!). Coincidingly, one of Bob's CIA associates, Colton (Billy Ray Cyrus, ugh), asks him to look at something that Poldark had on him that appears encrypted; hoping that he can crack it. Having grown close to Bob in the interim, the 3 kids then break into Poldark's home to see what they can find out about him. And when they mistakenly open a suspicious top-secret file, Poldark tracks 'em down & sends his underlings to 'take care of' Bob. Standard 'spy' plot ensues; followed by a 'aw, everybody lives happily ever after' ending.
I think that some kids, & some adults may break a smile or two during this mindless 85 min. 'comedy'. Audiences love Jackie Chan; as do I. There's a mild, cheery aspect to the proceedings. And a few of the outtakes (while the end credits roll) are silly fun. That said, I strongly disliked this movie. There is literally NOTHING redeeming about it. Poor Jackie Chan is reduced to skulking around, grinning like a fool, & straining for chemistry with both Amber Valletta & the child actors. His legendary martial-arts skills are completely absent. Any jokes are both unimaginative & cartoonish.
The plot is as insipid, & formulaic as anything I've ever seen. The dialogue is an atrocity (why would a 5 yr. old kid know about a historic David Bowie/Iggy Pop concert from 1985? Why?). The production looks dirt cheap. Billy Ray Cyrus & George Lopez irk me to no end. And worst of all, the character of Gillian's oldest daughter is the most aggravating teen girl I've ever seen on screen. I don't blame Madeline Carroll (who had to act & say what she does). But I literally wanted to belt her one - for the way she spoke to her mother (Valletta). No child acts like that to their mom, & no mom reacts the way she does. Rrggggh.
'The Spy Next Door' is immediately forgettable trash.