Baywatch (D or 1/4 stars)
'Baywatch' (directed by Seth Gordon, Horrible Bosses, Identity Thief) is a bust. Aspiring to be a big, splashy, raunchy riff on the popular 1990's TV show, this film fails on just about every level. In sunny Emerald Beach Bay, beachgoers are kept 'safe' by BAYWATCH, a group of toned, tanned lifeguards led by beefy no-nonsense Mitch (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson). Along with 2nd-in-command Stephanie (Ilfenesh Hadera) & dedicated lifeguard CJ (model Kelly Rohrbach, yowza), Mitch keeps the beach safe from drownings, disorderly conduct & random incidents of theft.
At the start of summer, the Baywatch crew has 3 new recruits {after having undergone some rather silly tryouts}: disgraced Olympian Matt Brody (Zac Efron, giving us his best Ryan Lochte impersonation - you know, muscle bound-yet-reckless-&-dumb as a stick), awkward-yet-sweet Ronnie (Jon Bass), & spirited beach beauty Summer (Alexandra Daddario, those eyes!). But the novice lifeguards aren't about to have an easy time of it. Scheming, duplicitous businesswoman/drug smuggler Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra, of Narcos) is making some shady real-estate deals, just as clear envelopes of a drug called "flaca" keep washing up ashore; oh, and people are starting to die. Clearly, something nefarious is afoot. Since local cop (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) won't take Mitch seriously, he decides that it's up to him & his squad to suss out the situation & become the heroes we expect them to be.
For the longest time, I thought I was headed for an F rating -- I was loathing this so much. It saves itself a TAD in the final 10-15 minutes or so. But what a shame to dump this cast in an inept movie with a script chock full of stale jokes, inane plot twists & poor cinematic execution. There are a few isolated moments - especially near the end - when 'Baywatch' seems to have a smidge of a sense of humor about its cheese ball origins & the inherent silliness of a remake. But those ironic touches are few & far between. Anyone looking for easy, breezy escapist summer humor will not find it here. 98% of the jokes land with a thud -- what an embarrassment! Furthermore, aside from the non-existent jokes, poor filmmaking (AWFUL special effects, harsh/flat cinematography), there's an ickiness to the proceedings, too.
The female characters are given little to do besides run on beach in slow-mo, flash their teeth, flash whatever else, skimp around in sexy dresses, or croak out a bad joke. Even during the incompetent action sequences, they mostly hang back in idle rescue boats or allow for their male coworkers to finish the heroics against the villains. Additionally, this is the type of film where male characters call each other is "bitch" and/or a dead man's penis becomes the brunt of a joke -- juvenile crap. On the whole, the humor comes across as desperate & pathetic. One of the few bits of humor that 'sort of' worked for me was anytime Mitch dismissively referred to Matt as Bieber or One Direction or High School Musical {the joke there being that Efron WAS in HSM}.
You know, 'Baywatch' should have poked fun at itself more. Where was the parody? Where was the satire? No one wants to see Mat's redemption arc. No one truly cares about the drug smuggling plot. No one wants to see deaths played for laughs. Even the nostalgic cameos by David Hasselhoff & Pamela Anderson were uneventful. The reason why I ultimately rate this movie D instead of F is because: there ARE isolated moments near the end that made me chuckle or involved me; it's unreal to see how Efron pumped up his body for this role; it's easy breezy to look at Alexandra Daddario & Kelly Rohrback in their bathing suits; the end credits contain some so-so bloopers; and how can ya hate on The Rock? Good actor or not, he's got that amiability & charisma for days. But yeah ... bad movie.
At the start of summer, the Baywatch crew has 3 new recruits {after having undergone some rather silly tryouts}: disgraced Olympian Matt Brody (Zac Efron, giving us his best Ryan Lochte impersonation - you know, muscle bound-yet-reckless-&-dumb as a stick), awkward-yet-sweet Ronnie (Jon Bass), & spirited beach beauty Summer (Alexandra Daddario, those eyes!). But the novice lifeguards aren't about to have an easy time of it. Scheming, duplicitous businesswoman/drug smuggler Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra, of Narcos) is making some shady real-estate deals, just as clear envelopes of a drug called "flaca" keep washing up ashore; oh, and people are starting to die. Clearly, something nefarious is afoot. Since local cop (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) won't take Mitch seriously, he decides that it's up to him & his squad to suss out the situation & become the heroes we expect them to be.
For the longest time, I thought I was headed for an F rating -- I was loathing this so much. It saves itself a TAD in the final 10-15 minutes or so. But what a shame to dump this cast in an inept movie with a script chock full of stale jokes, inane plot twists & poor cinematic execution. There are a few isolated moments - especially near the end - when 'Baywatch' seems to have a smidge of a sense of humor about its cheese ball origins & the inherent silliness of a remake. But those ironic touches are few & far between. Anyone looking for easy, breezy escapist summer humor will not find it here. 98% of the jokes land with a thud -- what an embarrassment! Furthermore, aside from the non-existent jokes, poor filmmaking (AWFUL special effects, harsh/flat cinematography), there's an ickiness to the proceedings, too.
The female characters are given little to do besides run on beach in slow-mo, flash their teeth, flash whatever else, skimp around in sexy dresses, or croak out a bad joke. Even during the incompetent action sequences, they mostly hang back in idle rescue boats or allow for their male coworkers to finish the heroics against the villains. Additionally, this is the type of film where male characters call each other is "bitch" and/or a dead man's penis becomes the brunt of a joke -- juvenile crap. On the whole, the humor comes across as desperate & pathetic. One of the few bits of humor that 'sort of' worked for me was anytime Mitch dismissively referred to Matt as Bieber or One Direction or High School Musical {the joke there being that Efron WAS in HSM}.
You know, 'Baywatch' should have poked fun at itself more. Where was the parody? Where was the satire? No one wants to see Mat's redemption arc. No one truly cares about the drug smuggling plot. No one wants to see deaths played for laughs. Even the nostalgic cameos by David Hasselhoff & Pamela Anderson were uneventful. The reason why I ultimately rate this movie D instead of F is because: there ARE isolated moments near the end that made me chuckle or involved me; it's unreal to see how Efron pumped up his body for this role; it's easy breezy to look at Alexandra Daddario & Kelly Rohrback in their bathing suits; the end credits contain some so-so bloopers; and how can ya hate on The Rock? Good actor or not, he's got that amiability & charisma for days. But yeah ... bad movie.